Jason Bourne, I mean Matt Damon is Jason Bourne in a movie about Jason Bourne in the most original title for a film this decade: JASON BOURNE. All caps means it’s special.

And special it is – a great cast including Tommy Lee Jones, Alicia Vikander, and Vincent Cassell can’t save this movie from at-best mediocrity at times and sheer stupidity in the rest of the film. There’s absolutely nothing in the movie that hasn’t been done four times before and the shaky cam is still annoying as fuck. Not only is it used for things when it shouldn’t (like looking at a phone screen), it’s used in place of real editing in this film too and the laziness shows. There’s a very half-hearted attempt at weaving privacy concerns into the storyline, but it’s just there to setup the final action sequences.

Matt Damon is JASON BOURNE. But you already know his name.

During one of these sequences, the guy hired to fail to kill Bourne, named the “Asset” of course, plows through about two dozen cars in a SWAT van in a traffic jam blowing them to the sides in dramatic fashion as bumpers, front ends and crumpled cars go flying, but the van doesn’t receive a scratch. Bourne follows in an unmarked black Dodge Charger – the movie makes sure I know this because the movie was sure to tell me this via police radio as he gets in the shiny black Charger for his commercial, I mean action sequence featuring the Charger.

The script is lazy, the direction is lazy, the characters are poor and Matt Damon phones it in. Easily the worst of the Bourne films.

SPOILER – the character played by Julia Stiles, a fan favorite in the first three films, gets killed rather early in the movie, her body simply left unceremoniously in a Greek alley somewhere. Will she miraculously come back in a future film titled The Bourne Lobotomy? Who cares?

Grade: D

This image appeared in my twitter feed a couple of times yesterday. I skipped over it not knowing the context since it was obviously a fake:

Turns out it’s real. CNN actually put this on TV. This is very scary for a number of reasons, the most of which is that we’re now beyond Poe’s Law.

Poe’s law is an adage of Internet culture that states that, without a clear indicator of the author’s intent, it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers or viewers as a sincere expression of the parodied views.

The original statement of the adage, by Nathan Poe, was:

Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is utterly impossible to parody a Creationist in such a way that someone won’t mistake for the genuine article.

It was bad enough not knowing what was real vs. what was basic satire for the past 20+ years in America, but now that what should be exceptionally obvious and stupid satire may actually be real means we’ve passed into a new phase of American stupidity. We live in disturbing times.

Further Reading: http://thefederalist.com/2017/05/11/one-screenshot-captures-everything-wrong-media-coverage-trump/

Exactly a month after the flu, I got a stomach virus that I’m currently recovering from. Vomit was coming out of both ends, with the front end being a little worse. During a couple of the 6 or 7 rounds of vomiting every 20 minutes out of the front end, it got pretty violent and I burst the small blood vessels around my eyes, only the second time that’s ever happened to me I think. In between all the activity, I started watching The Leftovers again. Funny thing is, the dog shooter, played by Michael Gaston, disappeared from the show immediately after I wrote that post about him. He was out the entire season 2 and reappeared briefly at the beginning of season 3. The show is still only OK to me, just good enough to continue watching, but the characters make some frustratingly stupid choices and it’s obvious the show is going to be open-ended.

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Speaking of Michael Gaston and the left going low, nothing’s changed in the past month. Probably the highest profile incident of going low was Stephen Colbert saying Trump’s mouth is a cockholster for Putin:

Certainly a homophobic remark if you subscribe to the left’s definition of homophobic and it makes you wonder what would have happened to someone saying Obama’s or Hillary Clinton’s mouth is a cockholster. Colbert was obviously doing it for ratings and it worked according to the latest news reports.

Another example is Martha Stewart giving the bird to Trump:

Like with Gaston, this is nothing new, and social media has been littered with people giving the finger to all things Trump since well before the election. Convicted felon Stewart is just getting her name in the news again.

And here’s intellectual Bill Maher joking of incest between Donald and Ivanka Trump:

Meanwhile, NewsDay claims that Americans are tired of fighting and believes a return to some semblance of normalcy is coming soon. Fat chance and the article even references Bill Maher (who envisions Ivanka giving Donald a handjob) as an example of this peaceful tranquility in our lives.

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While off-topic, I found this article amusing. Apparently Politico believes Chris Murphy is presidential material because he retweeted the photo of that dead Syrian boy on the beach. They have a rather lengthy article about it. I got some news for you, Politico. Your header image of the article shows why he will not even be a presidential candidate for the Democratic party – not only is he male (GASP), or at least appears that he is self-identifying as male, but he’s also…oh my God, Lord have mercy…white. They better change his wiki photo quick, because it’s even whiter and maler:

The only realistic names I’ve heard for presidential candidates for 2020 on the Democratic side are Oprah Winfrey and Maxine Waters.

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As for Trump firing Comey, which happened about an hour ago and has rattled everyone’s cages, I don’t know what took him this long.

I found Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 to be very good and better than the original, unlike most others. There was a lot more plot and it was all about family. The action was great, the humor was funny, and there were a couple of unexpected cameos. The CGI of a young Kurt Russel in the beginning overtop of another actor worked well too.

My chief complaint with the film was that it seemed like I was watching an extended cut. I felt strongly that about 20 minutes could have been cut and coincidentally, that would have shortened the running time to just under two hours rather than 2 hours and 16 minutes. This prevents it from getting a full A.

Grade A-

And by retarded, I mean MLB is retarded in the classic sense of the word – slow, delayed or hindered in progress. With Boston fans, I mean retarded in the offensive form of the word and if you have issues with me calling people who use the n-word on a regular basis retarded, then fuck off.

In case you missed it, there was a long drawn out fight between the Boston Red Sox and the Baltimore Orioles while they played at Fenway for four games from Monday through Thursday of this week. It started when Manny Machado slid past second base and into Dustin Pedroia back on April 22. While it was a hard slide and it injured Pedroia, anyone who knows baseball could immediately tell this was not an intentional act on Machado’s part. Shit happens. The problem is, Machado has acted like an assclown in the past and this apparently gave the Red Sox free reign in their minds (and the umpires too) to intentionally throw at Machado in the batter’s box at will. Machado was thrown at no less than five times over the course of the most recent four game series.

While I’m biased in favor of the Orioles living in the Baltimore area and the Orioles did some more tit for tat throwing at Boston, I still have to come to the conclusion that the Orioles were wronged. The umpires didn’t seem to mind the headhunting throws at Machado, which could have killed him, for no reason. Things came to a boiling point between the two teams with both managers being called to a conference call with the commissioner of baseball (as one writer put it – they got called to the principal’s office) to hopefully put a fucking stop to it. At which point during the final game of the series, an Orioles pitcher got thrown out of the game for a pitch that obviously got away from him – a 77mph curve ball that hit a Boston batter in the legs. Everyone in the entire fucking world knew it wasn’t intentional, except for the home plate umpire, apparently.

Shit umpiring (or incoherent umpiring) is the reason I’ve hardly watched baseball over the past 20 years. Now, 20 years later, nothing has changed. MLB appears to be even more retarded than it was and the umpires are just as retarded. Even the Fenway Park fans are yelling the n-word at Adam Jones for no reason at all (except for the fact that he’s black, presumably, and the fans are racists fucks), and this shit has been going on for the entire lifetime of Fenway. Fuck you, Boston. And MLB, you need to get your shit together at some point because the sports bubble that has started to burst with the ESPN debacle could heavily damage baseball when it fully bursts.

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I would have thought that people would have understood not to jump to conclusions about a rape story given that every rape story since the dawn of the millennium seemingly has had a 50/50 chance of being true. There was the supposed rape by Kobe Bryant, the supposed rape by Duke Lacrosse players, and the supposed rape by a UVA fraternity to name three off the top of my head from the past couple of decades. Recently, there was the alleged rape at Rockville high. Some conservatives jumped all over it because the alleged crime was done by illegal immigrants. Now, the charges have been dropped. Except for child pornography charges against the boys because the girl sent them a lewd video of herself.

Now that these developments have taken place, the picture is much clearer – the girl wanted attention and got some at the expense of these two men’s lives (technically one man at 18 and one boy at 17). But since the story has been out there for months and men are treated as guilty until proven innocent, actually, never mind, treated as permanently guilty regardless of any facts that come to light, people still readily believe they’re violent rapists:

The war on men continues. As for the child pornography charges, this is continuing proof positive that all an underage girl has to do to ruin a man’s life is send him a nude photo (why doesn’t SHE get charged with child pornography?). Again, the war on men continues with no abatement in sight.