Back in 2007, I bought the Blade Runner: Final Cut Blu-ray. After viewing it, I asked the question “Is Blade Runner: Final Cut the best movie ever made?” on myspace. I personally found it to be a flawless movie and while I’m not going to disagree with certain criticisms of the movie, I will disagree with a reviewer if it is not at least on their best science fiction films list.

So, I was excited to see Blade Runner: 2049 last weekend. As mentioned here, that didn’t happen, thanks again to AMC Theatres. This weekend my son was going to a birthday party at the cheap movie theatre, so my daughter wanted to go and see The Emoji Movie. So, we went and after viewing it, I have to ask the question “Is The Emoji Movie the Worst Movie Ever Made?”

It’s really that bad.

I had extremely low expectations going into the movie thanks to following Chris Stuckmann’s reviews and seeing a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes earlier in the year (the current 10% fresh rating has to be from fake reviews), but those extremely low expectations still weren’t met. Honestly, I couldn’t find a single redeeming quality of the movie. The plot was lame, the characters were lame, the animation was lame and the jokes weren’t even jokes. Here’s an actual joke from the movie:

The high five emoji bumps into the coffee emoji and says “Oh hi tea.”

The coffee emoji then says “I’m not tea, I’m coffee.”

Quality stuff and I’m sorry I spoiled that punchline for you. My daughter laughed once during the whole movie. I don’t remember what she laughed at, but it wasn’t at this “joke”. There was also a big “reveal” or “plot twist” that was attempted and fell remarkably flat. There was also a shot at men from the primary female character at one point, which is obligatory for everything on the big or small screen in the past two decades, but I found it kind of odd since I thought we were past that since everyone has been deemed one single sex and gender now by the very same people who take shots at men. There were also awkward edits and transitions in the first half of the movie.

But none of this is what makes it eligible for “worst movie ever” status. What makes it eligible is that the movie’s plot is simply there to take the viewer from one commercial to the next. No, seriously, that’s all the movie is – it’s one sequence of commercials. If you would like to have the experience of watching The Emoji Movie, here’s how to do it in the comfort of your home. Take a ten dollar bill out of your wallet, burn it, then go online and watch extended commercials for WeChat, Candy Crush, Just Dance, Spotify, Twitter, Instagram and Dropbox. In fact, doing this would probably be far more entertaining.

The Just Dance commercial, oops, I mean segment of the movie is particularly egregious as is the Candy Crush commercial, which is simply a tutorial of how to play the game. About half way through the movie, I wondered where the inside jokes were for adults that were having to watch the movie, but I quickly remembered there weren’t even any jokes for the kids, so it didn’t matter. But then, towards the end of the movie when it got to Dropbox, I realized the Dropbox commercial showing off its supposedly powerful security features was there for the adults because what kid is going to be interested in Dropbox?

The day after I watched the movie, I happened across The Film Theorists on youtube and they had just released a video talking about this exact thing. They make a strong argument that what The Emoji Movie did should be highly illegal:

But the fact that it’s one big sequence of commercials is actually not the most egregious thing about the movie. That accolade goes to the fact that they somehow got legendary Sir Patrick Stewart to voice the poop emoji in this movie. I guess everyone has their price.

I’ll have to revisit my “worst movies ever” list to give it some thought on where this one will be placed on it. Sure, there are plenty of “worse” movies, but it’s a very short list for ones from major studios (in this case, Sony) or movies that take themselves seriously. In the mean time, I have to give a couple of notes on the movie-going experience. It was at the cheap theatre, which I hadn’t been to in over a decade and couldn’t even remember. So I didn’t know what I was getting into, but my expectations were pretty low for the theatre experience too.

Some family towards the front of the theatre had brought in a ~2 year old child who was either crying or shouting for the first third of the movie before the mom and toddler had to leave. This is par for the course for any movie for kids, so it didn’t annoy me. About ten minutes after they left, a loud sound like a wild boar snorting started up and continuously made noise. At first, I thought it was some part of the movie, but it continued and as I looked around, I found that it was a man two rows ahead of us making the sound. I then came to the realization that the entire row of ~8 people two rows ahead of us were all mentally disabled people.

Wild boar man made his sound for about five minutes straight before stopping and started up two more times before the movie ended while others intermittently clapped or made noise. I didn’t have a problem with it either and what I’m trying to say is the theatre experience was the same, if not better, than the AMC White Marsh 16 Theatres, which I haven’t been able to go to two times in a row now. The screen and sound were both acceptable at the cheap theatre and I think I’ll go back.

It’s been nearly two weeks since the mass shooting in Las Vegas and now only two things are clear:

1) No information on motive will ever be released, and

2) Whatever information they have is too much of a national security risk to go public and the FBI and Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department would rather be viewed as grossly incompetent.

Whether or not I believe in a conspiracy theory isn’t necessarily a binary yes/no answer from me and the Las Vegas shooting is no different. I actually have four categories – 1) nothing going on, 2) more information is needed, 3) something’s up, and 4) there’s a conspiracy. For the first week or so, I didn’t see a need to believe in any conspiracy theories about the mass shooting until more information came out, but it was in stage 2 of conspiracy theories simply because more information was needed. It smelled odd at the start, but I figured the air would clear fairly quickly.

To my surprise, the past week has pushed it into somewhere between stage 3 “something’s up” territory and stage 4 “it’s a conspiracy” since the FBI and LVMPD are continuously changing their story and Jesus Campos, the guy who was supposedly a Mandalay Bay security guard that first came into contact with Paddock has gone missing right before he was set to do a number of interviews with the media. Instead of Campos, a “maintenance guy” suddenly appeared as another witness that conveniently allowed for either a fourth or fifth official timeline (I can’t keep track) to be released, a timeline that MGM/Mandalay Bay has openly questioned. Add to that the investigation was finally forced to admit yesterday that Paddock checked in to the hotel three days earlier than they previously stated, a fact that Laura Loomer of all people reported TEN DAYS before while simultaneously not allowing her into the press conference where this information was released, and you have something that smells very rotten.

There’s a reason for conspiracy theories to arise and that’s when either a major news event occurs and people simply want to capitalize on it (9/11 was an inside job, moon landing faked, etc.) or when there’s an information vacuum surrounding an event. With the Las Vegas mass shooting, there’s both and given that journalists stopped practicing journalism long ago, there’s very little hope of more information coming out. The Las Vegas mass shooting will be discussed for years, even decades to come in conspiracy theory circles and justifiably so. The LVMPD getting upset that people want some fucking straight answers is disingenuous at best given that Las Vegas probably has among the highest amount of security features in the world and the feds know better than I do the porn clips I looked at last night. Fuck you, give us some answers.

I have to admit, watching ESPN burn to the ground this year has been far more entertaining than any sports game I’ve seen. It’s not that I want to take pleasure in ESPN’s downfall, I don’t, but I do feel a small amount of schadenfreude given that ESPN could have stuck to, you know, sports and not injected far-left politics into everything and that NFL players and owners, which have close ties to ESPN, could have stuck to, you know, football and not protested the anthem and not taken the bait from Trump to protest it even more.

So, ESPN is certainly entertaining, just not in the way it intended. It’s pretty tough to keep count of all the protests, but Clay Travis seems to be doing a good job. Al Sharpton and gang’s protest of ESPN after Jemele Hill got suspended for two weeks by ESPN – because she told people to protest ESPN’s advertisers – makes his protest a protest of the protest of the protest of the protest of the protest. If someone protests that, it will be a protest of a protest of a protest of a protest of a protest of a protest.

Personally, beyond the NFL being dead to me, I have a rule that protests have to be at least ten layers deep before I formally decide to join and protest…whatever it is at the time. But you can be assured that the outrage will be strong from me and that I will knit some sort of hat for myself to show just how outraged I am as I march for whatever it is.

More important than documenting the amount of protests, ESPN has now pissed off the left, which was inevitable, in addition to already having pissed off the right and center of the political spectrum. Given this, ESPN now rivals Blackberry in speed of going from hot to not, as Blackberry killed itself via stupid decisions in the last half of 2011 and was virtually dead by the end of 2012. At the beginning of the year, ESPN was a company with a few problems, now it’s a dumpster fire that has burned out the dumpster and spread out of control beyond the dumpster. After ESPN continues to burn, it will live on, much like Blackberry still does, but it will be a ghost of its former self, just like Blackberry.

I will be curious to see what Disney ultimately does with ESPN. I figure they may transition off a live sports streaming app for a loss a year from now, or maybe dump it altogether towards later 2018 or early 2019 and let someone else deal with it. Bob Iger’s obvious upcoming 2020 presidential run will be a factor in the fate of ESPN, as the public view of ESPN may overall become too negative for it to be a Disney brand at the time of his run starting in later 2019 even though he will have stepped down and won’t formally be a part of Disney by that time.

I suppose this is different from the “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” idiom, but it does mark the second time in a row I’ve tried to go see a movie at AMC White Marsh 16, only to have to turn around at the theatre and go home.

This time around, I was trying to see Blade Runner 2049 before I accidentally spoiled it for myself online. I purchased my ticket online later in the morning for the 2:15 showing and arrived at 2:00. I was greeted by employees at the entrance informing me that the theatre was closed “due to an incident’ and that it would “probably be closed for the rest of the day.” They said if I already purchased a ticket, I could use it on a later date.

When I got home, I checked online to see if they had marked the theatre as closed and indeed they had (title image). I would rather not go to AMC Theatres any more given the recent troubles, but I purchased my ticket using AMC Stubs rewards, so I’m guessing it will be a hassle to get it refunded. So whenever I go to see Blade Runner 2049, almost certainly after it’s been spoiled for me, it will likely be the last time I go to the White Marsh Theatres and AMC Theatres for a while because it does seem to be a major hassle.